Many of us think of the taking care for elderly parents as something distant, which we’ll have plenty of time to prepare for or, even worse-we’ll deal with it when the time comes.
Too often have I seen adult children completely lost when the time came. Had they prepared for care giving, the adjustment would have been much-much easier.
In this text, I’ll try to offer some advises on how to prepare the best you can for the time you’ll, beside love, need to gather all your knowledge, strength and patience to take care of your elderly parent(s).
The Talk
The earlier you start thinking of it, the better. The earlier you start talking with them about it, the better. Yes, no matter how uneasy or difficult it is for you, you need to talk to them about their wishes for those times.
What would they like-to move into a home care facility or age in place, for instance. Would they rather move in with you and your family, or with (one of) your sibling(s)? Maybe it’s not even you in the family who is the best choice for this kind of conversation?
Anyway, the issue should be approached with tact, starting with something simple, like “I read an article about the obstacles people have or make when aging. Do you think these stairs would make things difficult for you in time?” And there you go from there. Do not rely on assumptions regarding what they would want, or answer or how they would react.
Respect their wishes and do not try force your will, because “you know better what’s good for them” They are still and will always be the masters of their lives, unless you are a power of attorney to them.
Once you got to the decision that they, let’s say, want to age in place-that’s a starting point of your planning. You know now that you have some time to prepare.
Where to Start
First, you need to have a discussion with everyone who might be involved in this care giving. Ask for help from family members, especially siblings. Do not accept a no as an answer, as this role is too much for a single person to handle. Determine what each of you is willing to do. Also, to what extension can, or will each of you go.
Share the days and share the type of responsibilities:
-daily personal care and grooming;
-overseeing correct and timely medication intake;
-regularly getting supply from the pharmacy in time;
-grocery shopping; meal preparing;
-cleaning and maintaining the house;
-driving, to medical appointments, medical checks and tests, to visit relatives and friends;
-keeping company for a couple of hours
-helping to stay engaged with a hobby or community volunteering
-occasional traveling
-financial support
and so on…
Do We Finally Agree?
Expect that not everyone will be on the same page right away. Disagreements and disputes will be part of these discussions. Still, it is much better to have them ahead now, then in the middle of crisis. If you can all approach the issues with the future needs of your loved ones in mind, it usually leads to an agreement at the end.
One of you will still need to be the “head of the operation”, the one who takes the primary role, usually either because he/she has the closest relationship with the care receiver(s), or is the distance between their living places the shortest. This person needs to coordinate the preparing process, as well, as will the care giving itself, in time.
At this point you will have a general plan only. Still, write it down. From here, you’ll be able to develop your plan in more details later.
What Else Do I Need to Find Out:
Health Related
-is the house they intend to live in in any need of modification or repairs. Is it safe and secure or it requires some safety measurements to be taken.
-what medicinal care needs you need to attend to-make a list of illnesses, with prescribed treatments, names, correct dosages and administration times of medication, any additional instructions, possible symptoms of worsening and your correct response to it, names and contacts of the doctors or specialists they’ve been seeing about it.
-what appointments are routinely in place, where and when exactly. Put them into a calendar. You’ll keep adding the newly made ones here and have a clear schedule.
-name, address and contact phone of the pharmacy you’ll be getting their medications from
-whether an occupational therapist should be engaged in assessing their needs and help with suggestions on home modifications, medical equipment or aids
-if a medical alert system or a medical bracelet would help
-which exactly, if any, adaptive devices would be useful
-who are their chosen beautician, hairdresser or barber, where do they like to shop, etc.
-if friends can help you out occasionally. Neighbors are also often willing to help. Look for local social groups, church or other organizations that could sometimes help and find out the exact terms.
Do not feel uneasy to ask for help-people usually are more than willing, but do not want to impose themselves. So, go and ask. The worst scenario is a polite rejection, but the best is you might get off of your shoulder one of many tasks awaiting you.
Legal & Financial
-where important documents are stored: any contracts, insurance policies, ID, passport, birth and marriage certificate (or divorce papers), home, property-owner documents, different community membership cards, address book with names and contacts of friends)
-they might have a DNAR (do not attempt resuscitation) order or a donor card. You’ll want to know where these are kept.
-financial situation (bank accounts, with pins, codes, passwords, safe deposit box, etc.) Be very careful with this. Your loved ones might refuse to share these with you. As I wrote in a previous post, this is usually not expressing mistrust in any way, but holding on to that little control over their lives what’s left.
-about the pending payments for mortgage, for example. Make a list of routine household bills. See if there are any debts to be paid for, or any loans they’ve made to others. Do they have any other type of insurance, medical, perhaps? Life Insurance or Long-Term Care perhaps? Check what they exactly cover for.
-if you, i.e. your parents are eligible to apply for some kind of public benefit, like help with paying for medications, or medical aids, food, property taxes, heating bills…
-do they have a will in place already or do they wish to place one in the near future.
-what do you need in order to place a durable power of attorney for medical care and finances. It is very important that you discuss this with parents to have it in place, just in case your loved one(s) ever become mentally incapacitated.
Adult children (and sometimes aging parents, as well) may feel this as an insult, or a degradation of their overall capacity already know, but it can save a lot of undue heartache later. So find a suitable moment to talk it over.
-name and contact of their lawyer and if possible arrange a visit together with your parent(s).
Three Dreaded Questions to Be Asked
-have they made some funeral arrangements already or they wish to make some soon. Perhaps they only want to talk it over with you.
Asking your parents what do they want to do when they are definitely incapable of living on their own, finding out their wishes for the end of their life and asking them about their wishes for when their lives end are probably the three most difficult questions you’ll ever have to get answers to. Still, you should gradually deal with them, as your assumptions may very much differ from their actual wishes.
You, and probably they as well, do not want you to waver wandering if you are making the right decision when the time comes. Talking about it and knowing you’ll know how to respect their wishes will give you both peace of mind.
“No Old Life Is Worthy of Ruining a Young Life”-A Sentence I Was Astonished to Hear at a Conference a Few Years Ago
Sounds disrespectful, awful, harsh, rude and cruel, doesn’t it? But if you take a step back and look behind the words…
When someone takes up the role of a single or even just a main caregiver, it usually means doing a lot.
If you haven’t been a caregiver so far, you do not know what I am talking about yet. Caring for an elderly, very often ill person may be a very difficult, extremely tiring task.
Of course, we want everything to be in order, our parent(s) well taken care of. Their daily needs for personal care, grooming perhaps, cooking different meals than ours, helping them to maneuver in and around the house, sometimes living through the frequent uneasy moments of incontinence.
Taking care of all the appointments, getting the necessary medications, organizing medical aids to be prescribed and delivered keeping an eye on medication administering, keeping under control any chronic disease they might have.
Supporting their social life, keeping them company, doing things as they wish, no matter how much more effective way you would apply, dealing with occasional bad moods-and the list seems endless.
Often all that on top of your job and the everyday tasks so far. It is not as if we had a double day to manage all that. No, we need to merge our two different lives together, into one single day at a time. And we need to accept that there will always be more to do than we have time for in 24 hours.
I had been a caregiver for all of my four parents (my own and my in-laws). With my reasonable mind I know I have done the most I could, but in my soul mind, even though it has been several years now since they all passed away, there’s still lingering a sense of guilt for not being there at some moments…
You shouldn’t feel like that. The impact of care giving can be tremendous on you, as if getting into deep water. Stress to cope with everything and that feeling of guilt ‘cause you can’t squeeze all your tasks in, can severely damage your overall health.
Especially if you are a full time caregiver, as this job is not only a job. It is a way of life that can be extremely stressful and difficult at times and can easily cause a burn out and lead to serious health problems. You will be of no use to anyone, if that happens. You have to remember to take care of yourself first, to be able to take care of someone else.
You Will Need a Break
Allow yourself a break. Make time for yourself, for your healthy sleep, at the first place, then for your healthy eating, exercising, meeting friends, reading a book, practicing yoga or going out to a movie. Whatever will relax you and charge you is welcome. Only make sure you make room for your own activities, not related to care giving in any way.
SuperCarers, a website dedicated to help carers, gives list of signs by which you can recognize you struggle with mental exhaustion:
-experiencing low mood
-worrying a lot
-Extreme tiredness, often combined with not being able to sleep, or sleeping too much
-not being able to concentrate
-feeling extremely energetic and not being able to wind down
-avoiding going out or seeing people
-changes in your eating habits or appetite
And I’d add irritability, anger, even extreme sadness, feeling of hopelessness. Sometimes a total neglect of your personal appearance.
If you experience some of these symptoms, it’s time for a change. As it is probably the result of you being overwhelmed by your care giving duties, first thing you need to do is to find support-emotional and physical.
Also, think of what exactly would make the situation better for you, and whether you or someone can make it happen.
Ask for some extra help from family, if possible. If not, try hiring some professional help to relieve you occasionally. If none of those is possible, carve out 5-10-30 minutes every know and then during the day for yourself, to:
-read a few chapters or pages of a book
-write a letter
-listen to some nice music
-sing along
-dance along
-take a walk
-or just sit outside for a while
-exercise for a few minutes if you can’t go outside
-call a friend
-meditate
-have a nap
-watch a TV show
-watch online photos of destinations you plan to go
-plant a flower or do some gardening
-bake pancakes, waffles or something you are fond of
Whatever can relax you is fine. The point is to free your mind for a while from all the worries and anxiety you feel as a care giver.
Final Thoughts
As much as caring for your aging parent(s) can be filled with love, it may also be difficult and often exhausting at all levels. A good planning and preparation can help you relieve some of that difficulty, as you have time to explore and organize things better, avoiding being thrown in at the deep end. Do not forget also, that caring for someone is important, but caring for yourself is equally important.
I hope these advises can help those who are likely to become caregivers for their loved ones, to worry less and enjoy the time with them more.
Do you have some experience with care giving yourself? Would you share them in the comments? I’d appreciate it and someone will certainly benefit from reading them.
As always, feel free to reach out should you have any question and I’ll be happy to give you an answer to the best of my knowledge.
With Love,
Kerryanne
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Hi Kerryanne,
I’m so thankful for your articles. And I’ve bookmarked them for future use.
My mother is 80 and still doing very well, which I’m so thankful for, but I know it’s going to be difficult when the time comes for the “talk”.
She’s fiercely independent and it’s going to be difficult for my sister and I to have her move out of her own home after all these decades.
Your advice is going to be so helpful!
Thanks again,
Suzanne
Hi Suzanne, I’m so glad to hear that and so thankful for your kind words.
You know, independence is very often the last thing that seems to be under our control, as we age, so it’s only natural to stick to it as long as it is possible, and even beyond.
You are all so lucky that your Mom is doing very well at 80 and, when the time comes, I hope you will find a solution that she will be ok with.
All the best,
Kerryanne
What an amazing and very helpful post on caring for tour elderly parents you’ve put together here! This is a tough topic for many people to even want to talk about but it’s like a required part of life. We don’t want to assume like you mentioned, we want to be right before any necessary changes have take place.
My parents are not at the age to be taken care of yet, but I know my younger brother and I will do our best to give them the best for their needs.
Although I haven’t had a serious sit down talk with them about this, I’ve seen it with other people…
I’ve seen it happen with their parents and how my aunts and uncles have had to adjust for taking care of their parents without the addition of a family home.
In time, the pieces will form and I’ll have a better grasp on how to approach it all.
Thank you for sharing! I really learned a lot and felt more comfortable taking action on this.
Thank you for your very kind comment! I am really glad if you managed to take something from my text that can help you in the future. Those among us, who are lucky enough to still have parents when they are old enough to need care, really need to deal with a pretty tough task when the time comes. I personally have a lot of experience in this, as I had been a caregiver for all of my parents (I mean my own and my in-laws) to the last days of their lives. My present job is connected to the field of care, so I get in touch with many families asking for advice, usually when it becomes urgent. It would be so much better for everyone to be prepared in advance. You are lucky to have a sibling to share this task. Have you thought about discussing with him the topic, for now?
All the best,
Kerryanne
Hi Kerryanne,
Thank you for this super informative article! Since I’m only in my twenties (and I’m the oldest of my siblings, the youngest of which just moved out), this all does seem super far away for me. But you’re right; it is better to start at least preparing some or having some idea of what their wishes are. I haven’t had any sort of talk with them, so I have no idea if they have a will or what they want for their futures. I hadn’t thought about any of this before, but – as hard as it will be – I realize now that I do need have at least an initial talk with them.
Hi Jade. I’m glad that you at your very young age still find this article informative enough to read it through and even initiate some thoughts. It might be too early for you and your parents, but it doesn’t hurt if the idea finds its place in your mind.
Thank you for your comment and all the best!
Thank you so much for this highly informative article, Kerryanne. I currently care for my 60 year old, developmentally delayed mother (I am an only child), and there’s certainly a lot that goes into it. When my grandparents passed away (one in 2014, the other in 2017), I immediately became my mother’s legal guardian, representative payee (Social Security), ad well as power of attorney. I love my mother dearly and do my best to care for her, but it’s extremely exhausting-she has several health problems, constant doctor’s appointments, and requires constant monitoring. I am blessed, however, as she has a wonderful homemaker that cares for her while I’m at work, she’s still able to walk and move on her own, she doesn’t require assistive devices or home modifications at this point, she doesn’t take a ridiculous amount of medicine (though she does take a couple of different medications), and she still has her senses (her recent dementia screening shows that she does not have dementia). Anything worth doing requires sacrifice, but God will always be with us, will help us, and will bless us. Great read! God bless you!
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story with us! I doubt, though that I could tell you anything you didn’t know already, since you’ve been a caregiver for so many years now. It is a huge stress on you, with all the responsibilities you bear on your shoulder, yet your comment is anything but complaining! I can only admire you for that and wish you all the best, to you and your dear Mom!
Hi,
Thanks for putting this article together.
My mother has needed to move in with me, so this is very timely information for me.
I love the way you’ve gone throught all the potential needs. It will help me to make sure I haven’t missed anything important.
Thanks again.
Thank you for visiting and commenting. I’m glad if you find this useful.
Make sure you do not forget to take care of yourself, as well, while caring of your Mom. All the best!
These are all very important advice and definitely something we should think about before we find ourselves in that situation. Even though, I have to admit it’s hard to even think about it. But it’s life.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi, Tanya, for some reason I have a feeling you might be very young. If that’s so, it is quite understandable you can’t wrap your mind around such a thing as caring for elderly parents. However, it will come close some day, and then, you might remember that somewhere in the past you read something about preparations for the role of a caregiver. I hope you will and some benefit will stay with you from this text.
Thank you for being here and commenting in such an approving way.
My mother lives on a different continent, she is in Germany and I am in Mexico. I sometimes think of the time when she may need care. She has always had excellent health and she lives in a ground floor appartment. I just don’t want to live in Germany and I am not sure that she would want to live here in Mexico. We also have a difficult past and so living together would be challenging at the least. I honestly don’t know how I am going to handle the situation when or if it presents itself … but I know that I have to think about it. When you had a normal loving childhood, it is certainly different, but I didn’t have that; so our relationship has been ruined for decades and we can only spend one or two days together without being at each other’s throats. It saddens me … but I don’t know what to do about it.
It really is a sad situation Christine and I’m sorry to hear it.
Not the distance part, as there are solutions for that which I’ll be writing about in one of my next posts, but the relationship part. It is such a pity that you are missing on such a special bond as one with your mother can be.
Nevertheless, you need to find some sort of peace within it, if none, for your own sake. And, believe me, even in a normal childhood, with the best intentions, parents and children equally may be “guilty” of some ruined relationships. But, nothing can destroy someone’s soul more effectively than the everlasting feeling of guilt of perhaps not doing the most one could, when they are gone.
If I were in your shoes I’d probably feel devastated. But the best (and hardest) I could do is to try to patch up whatever I can and think of a support from distance when the time comes.
I wish you an equal response from your mother, if you decide to try. All the best!
Thank you so much. Even though I am still young, I found this article really helpful for the future when I will need to take care of my parents. I really liked your advice to help them but at the same time don’t forget ourselves.
I am really glad someone young as you read this post. Some of these will hopefully stay somewhere in your mind and be pulled out when needed. At least, you’ll know that you need to prepare and also to take good care of yourself, as well.
I’m pleased that you found it helpful, thank you.
I never thought there were so many things to consider. Even from simply having the conversation could lead to trouble and friction. That’s not even considering the financial aspects or the distruption to parties involved.
Very insightful, thanks for sharing it.
You are more than welcome, Sharon. Now you know what to think of ahead, so you can avoid conflicts.
Thanks for popping in and commenting.
Awesome content!
Aging is a process we all have to go through at some point. Personally, I dread it and hate birthdays.
It is very difficult seeing someone you love aging and facing varying degrees of physical disability, mental health issues and any other illness on a daily basis. Their independence is also greatly impacted and it is important that we are there to support and exercise patience when supporting the elderly.
These tips are a most for every carer!
Well, hopefully, we are all going to get old some day, if we live long enough. It certainly isn’t the most pleasant thing to deal with, but is inevitable.
Before we get there, however, most of us will have to witness our parents’ aging process, which is not easy, as you say. I’ve wrote about it in an earlier post which you might find interesting.
https://seniorvitalityaid.com/dealing-with-stubborn-elderly-parents/
When you prepare for being a caregiver, the best service to yourself is to really prepare. Even then, bumps in the road may occur, but significantly less.
Thank you for your kind comment!
Hi Kerryanne,
Thank you very much for sharing this thorough guide in helping our elderly parents.
Since I got married and moved to America, I don’t get involved directly in helping and caring for my father and mother. So, I rely on my beloved sister to do so. That said, I do send them some supplements from the US, and some money if they need it for their medication, insurance, and daily needs.
I told my Mom and sister to do a little garden and maybe hydroponics since I think it is a good place for my parents to unwind and enjoy their relaxed time in the morning or afternoon.
I am so glad my sister followed my advice and she came up with a better idea which is aquaponics. So, it’s gardening and caring for fish at the same time. My father loves fishing, but because he has some health problems now, he can’t go fishing anymore. The aquaponics makes him happy and it helps him to move and do minimal stuff every day. I think that’s a brilliant idea.
I’ll be sharing your post with my sister. Thank you, Kerryanne.
Thank you for being here Ferra and commenting.
I think it is the way you can be involved in taking care of your parents. A carer is not necessarily only the one physically dealing with it. If you are regularly in touch, as you are and doing the most you can, you are a long distance carer. I do hope your sister will find helpful some parts of the article, as she is already actively caring for your Mom and Dad, as I understand. It seems she is doing a great job, but perhaps the section of taking care of herself with give her some new perspectives.
Thank you for sharing this post and all the best!
Hi Kerryanne,
Thank you for writing this highly detailed post about how to prepare for your elderly parents. My parents are not quite at an age to be cared for. But they themselves have started to make a plan. My mom works in a geriatric clinic. So she has heard all about aging in place. When my parents built their new house, they made sure they would be able to age in place. I do think I will make a more detailed plan with my family and I will definitely use your suggestions to do so.
-Amanda
Thank you Amanda for your high opinion on the article, I appreciate it.
Sounds like you’ll have a great deal easier job, since your parents are actively preparing for aging in place. It was probably affected by your Mom’s workplace, but, still, it is nice to hear that someone is aware of the possible difficulties and is ready to do something about it while it’s not too late.
All the best to all of you.